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Dear Stabby,
I have a fitness question. I workout religiously with one goal in mind: I want a bigger butt. My friends all hit the shows showing off comic book Super Hero Ass but no matter how much I lift and tone my sad cheeks look like they belong on Droopy Dog! Do you know any lifehacks so I can cheat my way into a superior posterior?
-Pittsburgh Pancake Butt
Hi Pancake!
Can I call you Flapjack instead? Flapjack Fanny? Flappy for short? No? Ok.
Well if you ask me, there’s nothing wrong with a healthy exercise routine but in this case you might be your own worst enemy. Take my Uncle Debra for example, he has the fattest ass of anyone I know and all he does is chainsmoke Chesterfields and watch TruTV. Now I’m not saying be like Uncle Debbie (seriously. Don’t.) but in my thinking the key to a fat ass is…well, fat. Dr. Stabby prescribes a healthy dose of KFC and Kraft Macaroni as a surefire way to expand donk. If you end up with lopsided loop just revert to your gym tactics and even the lumpy parts out accordingly. I guess you could do like Cardi and get a buttmeat transplant, but let’s be real. You don’t have rapper money. I do happen to know a carnie in San Miguel that’ll do it cheap and discreet in exchange for a case of limited-edition Faygo, but let’s just say you’ll be a lot happier if you don’t ask where he gets his materials from.
Best of Luck on Your Booty Bounty,
Stabby!
